Allie-cademy Awards

Two things I am wishing for:

1) That I could be a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
2) That I could be nominated/win an Academy Award for... Oh God, ANYTHING really. I won't be picky.

I want to have a say in who wins those golden boys. And most-of-all/secretly I want to clutch one in my sweaty palms, in front of the likes of J Garner, Phil Sey Hoff, and Cammie D, make a weepy-eyed speech about how "I never in a million years thought I would be standing up here, but I'm going to tell you right now, MIRACLES DO COME TRUE! Thank you! Thank you!" and obvie be wearing a razzle-dazzle number by a) Dior b) Chanel Haute Couture or c) Proenza Schouler.

O.k., so now that I've spilled about my fantastical Hollywood dream, here is who I would have given Oscar props to... and a few disses to, for that matter...

Best Actor: Ryan Gosling in "Lars and the Real Girl." You know what makes someone a legitimate actor? One who can work beside a sex doll. That is what he does. See it now.

Best Actress: Amy Adams in "Enchanted." I had no idea someone could truly become a Disney cartoon character without being animated.
Or Keri Russell in "Waitress." Russell is heartbreakingly lovely in this flick.

Lamest Action Movie: "Transformers." I think I just missed the boat on this whole Transformers-mania. Don't get me wrong-- I'm not a sci-fi hater-- I love me some wookies and ewoks... But I just don't think transformers are likeable. Can you hug a transformer? Yes, but it's not as enjoyable as hugging a furry wookie. And you certainly can't party-down on the planet Endor with Optimus Prime. PAUSE. Why I am comparing Transformers to Star Wars? Anyone? I need to get out of nerd-mode FAST.

Best Movie Making Fun of Action Movies: "Hot Fuzz." Simon Pegg is a genius. FO SHO!

Best Director: Judd Apatow for "Knocked Up" and "Superbad." Basically, I am such a teenage boy... OBSESSED with Apatow movies. I have a secret crush on Seth Rogan. And Michael Cera. And Paul Rudd.

Most Overrated Movie: "Juno." I'm sorry, everyone on the planet Earth. I do not like this movie. It was too witty for its own good. No high school student talks like that. Unless their name is Daria.

Best Foreign Film: "The Lives of Others." Fantastic film about Cold War-era East Germany, and the serious wire-tapping/voyeurism that went down.

Best Pest Picture: "Ratatouille." Honestly, my favorite movie of the year. Silly I know, but this film has such a huge heart, encapsulated in a cute little rat whose passion in life is creating good food. So profound. And it's set in the best city in the world.

Best Musical: "Once." Haunting music and surprisingly "realist."

Best Indie: "Eagle vs. Shark." If you haven't heard of "Flight of the Conchords," where have you been?? Anyway, one of the band members stars in this film about an odd couple in New Zealand.(See above photo)

Best Fantasy Film: "Stardust." Think "Princess Bride." Add a cute new hero, fairytale twists, and DeNiro in drag. It's good.