Guest Post: Turn Down Your Lights (Where Applicable)

Greetings, Ginger Al readers!  I'm Maryann from maryannimal.com and Allie asked me to do a guest post for her, and I am honored to be here. Last year I got to share my favorite British comedians with you. This year's guest post promises to be much more niche and nerdy! 


Have you ever heard of Mystery Science Theater 3000? It is a very special TV show that ran from 1988 to 1999 (with one movie too!).  It has a massive cult following. The basic plot: a nice young Midwestern man is jettisoned into space against his will by evil scientists (or one of the evil scientist's mothers), and forced to watch terrible movies with his robot friends (of which there are four: Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy, and Cambot). In order to preserve their sanity, they make fun of the terrible movies using witty and often obscure cultural references, while the evil scientists study the effect the films have on them. I've given much more detailed summaries at parties (I'm not kidding), but if you want to know more (or understand most of my preamble), here's the wikipedia page. Go! Read! I'll wait.


Allie and I share a love of MST3k, and have even watched an episode together: the horrifically bad Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, from Season 10. "You know, I usually I love movies packed with scenes of people vacuuming, but this one's leaving me a little cold."


I am very proud to say that with the exception of one or two episodes that are out of print AND not on youtube, I have seen all 198 episodes.  And they are all about the length of a whole movie, so do the math and find out just how dedicated a fan I am. Or how reclusive. Picking 10 episodes out of 198 was very difficult. The first draft had 27, and even that was tough!


I realize that a list such as this one will only appeal to a certain kind of person. Requirements for appreciating this list:


- you already love MST3k and are at the ready to dispute my choices in the comments with your own picks
- you don't mind sitting through awful movies as long as they will be made fun of
- you have at least a mild interest in robot puppetry
- you've never seen MST3k but have heard of it and are asking, "Hey! What's it all about?"
- you know who the following people are: Anthony Newley, Marni Nixon, Joe Papp, Helen Reddy, etc.


If you related to at least one of those requirements, read on!  And if you didn't, why not leave this post and enjoy a cat cuddling with a bearded dragon lizard?


It's hard to pick favorite MST3k episodes. Do you go with the ones that started a series-long gag trend, like "Hi Keeba!" from Season 1's Women of the Prehistoric Planet? Or those with the best host segments, like Season 9's Quest of the Delta Knights that featured The Sir Thomas Neville Servo Consort of the Middle Ages Just After the Plague Singers? Is it even possible for me to pick 5 Joel episodes and 5 Mike episodes so they will be equally represented as the gifted, unique 'regular guy/joe' they both are (In this case, the answer is yes)?   


[Note for Fellow Fans: for my own personal preference, all the episodes I've chosen are with Kevin Murphy-Servo, with no disrespect the fantastic J. Elvis (Josh) Weinstein. My mads preference, however, of Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, is not strictly followed.]


We've Got Movie Sign! (Click on the movie titles to watch on youtube)


10) Episode 204: Catalina Caper

You won't see this one on many people's Best Episodes list, but I remember when I started my Watch-Every-Episode-In-Broadcast-Order journey and this was the first episode where I thought, "I want to own this and show it to people!" Besides, it's full of silly songs--yes, that is Little Richard--and painful attempts at gag comedy. And I have a special place in my heart for Joel telling the 'Bots about the 60s: "Women were called 'girls'!"


Favorite Riffs: "Water Fuzz: they're wet, they care. Tonight's episode: "Death Ahoy." "Yo ho ho and a Bottle of Death." "Tinker Tailor Soldier Dead Man." "Michael Row Your Murder Ashore."  And "This is one of the movies that shaped Middle America's sexuality."


9) Episode 424: Manos: The Hands of Fate (featuring the short, "Hired!")

Yes, it is an excruciatingly awful film--often dubbed the worst of all time. But this episode is quintessential for any MST3k fan, and really, any movie fan. It's so horrendous, you'll never forget it.


Favorite Riffs: "But ma'am, do you know that Chevrolet has a wonderful plan for your life?" and ["The child is a female. She must not be destroyed. She will grow up to be a woman."] Joel: "Oh, is THAT how that works."


8) Episode 604: Zombie Nightmare

I've watched this one soooo many times. It was the first time I ever heard Motorhead's "Ace of Spades." Just be aware there is a hot tub scene that may be burned into your retinas forever. Plus, Adam West, Tia Carrerre, and Canada!


 Favorite Riffs: "Fight choreography by Dom DeLuise." And "She's probably Missouri Synod, they're really hard-core."


7) Episode 301: Cave Dwellers

Don't try to follow the plot (especially the poor attempt of recounting Ator's back story) and just enjoy the absurd fantasy non-epic for all it's over-the-top silliness. Plus the era-inappropriate goofs like handrails on a 'medieval' staircase and tire-tracks in a field.


Favorite Riffs: "God, I love Seinfeld." And "Tits all over--I mean, it's all over for you, Ator. I know we have been breast--best friends..."


6) Episode 821: Time Chasers

If there was a ranking of the three most unlikeable heroes in MST3k films, I think Nick Miller would finish out the list after Zap Rowsdower and Mitchell(!). He is totally insufferable, and unlike the other two heroes I mentioned, we have to watch him interact with a woman in a flirtatious way for almost the entire film.  It's painful. He invents a time machine and let's just say that this film's vision for the future is so uninspired, it's enough to make you swear off sci-fi forever. (But not really.)


Favorite Riffs: "So 50 years from now it will be... 3 years from now." And "Did he just slip some microfiche in her mouth?"


5) Episode 908: Touch of Satan

The touch, the feel of Satan... the fabric of our lives. Witches!  Murder! Walnut Farms!  Fish! And don't forget Satan. All you want out of a rural romance, full of long, loooooong pauses in dialog.


Favorite Riffs: "Ok, everyone hold a second. I just want to see if he gets his shoes on yet. Yes, ah, yes. Great, glad they showed that to us."  And sung to the tune of "I'll Never Fall in Love Again": "What do you get when you fall from grace? You only get cast into perdition..."


4) Episode 512: Mitchell

Mitchell is a classic for many reasons.  One, it's when Joel handed the Satellite of Love over to Mike.  Two, it's hilarious.  It features a stalwart of MST3k movies in his greatest, most disgusting role: that of gluttonous, mumbling, lazy cop Mitchell.  He's super gross, super unappealing, and Joel and the 'Bots skewer him and this 70s turd well.  


Favorite Riffs: "MITCHELL!" and "The new Chrysler Fury: the car that thinks it's a house."


3) Episode 910: The Final Sacrifice

Two words: Zap Rowsdower.  A Canadian masterpiece with a hero never to be equaled in his painful unlikability.  And then there's Troy, the Robin to Zap's Batman, "and together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta."


Favorite Riffs: [Character: "Go to hell!"] Crow: "Or at least Edmonton!" and "This is just like when I almost missed my Teens Encounter Christ bus."


2) Episode 303: Pod People

Oh, Pod People.  I've seen this one many, many times.  The ridiculous European 'musical' teenagers, the hunter from a Renaissance fair, the strange, awful soundtrack, the very poor imitation of E.T.  And every single host segment is a total gem.


Favorite Riffs: "Well, time to start camping. You dress up as Oscar Wilde, and I'll sing Noel Coward songs. Ha! Camping." And "Trumpy, you can do stupid things!"


1) Episode 820: Space Mutiny

All you need to know about this ridiculous sci-fi movie is this tip of the nickname-iceberg: "Slab Bulkhead." "Fridge Largemeat." "Punt Speedchunk." "Butch Deadlift." "Bold Bigflank." "Splint Chesthair." "Flint Ironstag." "Bulk Vanderhuge." "Thick McRunfast."  Seriously.  If you want to introduce someone to MST3k, I would recommend starting here.


Do you notice my obvious bias for color movies over black and white?  I do.  Some runner ups are Tormented, Kitten With a Whip, Hobgoblins, Escape 2000, Parts: The Clonus Horror, and Agent for H.A.R.M. (the Prince jokes!).  All of these are probably on youtube.  God, I love the internet!


Thanks to Allie for letting me take soooo much space on her blog, and I hope you enjoy these incredible TV/movie hybrids.  If you are a MSTie, leave a comment with your favorite episode!