Tuesday, August 13, 2013
I'm inspired by Moorea's blog post today, and feel like sharing some vulnerable stuff with you, internets.
Josh always comments on how girls who blog beautiful photographs of their beautiful children, beautifully-made meals, beautiful faces, beautiful clothes, and beautiful homes are deceiving... That's just one moment in their life, and there are other parts that are plain, ugly, hard, mundane, etc. But who wants to see photographs of ugly things? Not I.
That is all to say that life in New York isn't hunky-dory. We're actually very excited to move to the Netherlands in a few weeks time. I honestly wish I was there right now. We have a spacious apartment to ourselves awaiting us. It's been hard feeling cooped up in our small bedroom, sharing an apartment with two other people. I don't cook as often. I miss my weekly boxes of fruits and vegetables. I've been eating too many carbs. Also, I don't like stepping out on the street and having men make comments about my body. I seriously get murder-y feelings.
And I'm so worried about so many things. What if the Dutch government doesn't approve my visa? What if I never find a freelance job? What if Josh resents me because I don't make a lot of money right now?
Shitty things like that.
I prayed today. About finding a more lucrative job. And about Slugs. Slugs is going to a third location now. The first one, in Canada, didn't work out because she became aggressive towards another dog. It was such a let-down because we had driven all the way there with her, said tearful goodbyes, but felt good about leaving her in the care of the person. Then Slugs was placed with a woman who is basically a Corgi expert. But we just found out that again Slugs has shown aggressive behavior towards one of her dogs. We don't doubt that she'll find another family to live with who will care for her, but I personally feel guilty. And part of me wishes I could just be there to take her. And not in stupid New York.
So there's that.
The career stuff is so frustrating. I need to try harder though. I get discouraged easily. I made an online portfolio for my illustrations, but it's not quite finished. Once it is, I'm going to send it to different art/creative directors. We'll see what happens after that.
Josh and I have been thinking about wedding stuff. His mom mentioned we should probably book a venue for the reception soon (it will be sometime in Autumn 2014). We've begun looking, and I've found it puts pressure on me even more to try to make more money so that I can have the wedding that I want. I don't want to spend a lot on a dress -- like less than $500 -- but venues, food, and alcohol costs will add up. Like, what do I have to do? Sell my used underwear to weirdos on Craigslist?! I've considered it. HOW'S THAT FOR VULNERABILITY? (Don't worry, loved ones, I won't seriously do it).
Ok, I think I'm done. I cried a little bit. I hope I can fall asleep easily tonight instead of staying up worrying. I hope these next few weeks will go by quickly.