Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Vulnerability


I'm inspired by Moorea's blog post today, and feel like sharing some vulnerable stuff with you, internets.

Josh always comments on how girls who blog beautiful photographs of their beautiful children, beautifully-made meals, beautiful faces, beautiful clothes, and beautiful homes are deceiving... That's just one moment in their life, and there are other parts that are plain, ugly, hard, mundane, etc. But who wants to see photographs of ugly things? Not I.

That is all to say that life in New York isn't hunky-dory. We're actually very excited to move to the Netherlands in a few weeks time. I honestly wish I was there right now. We have a spacious apartment to ourselves awaiting us. It's been hard feeling cooped up in our small bedroom, sharing an apartment with two other people. I don't cook as often. I miss my weekly boxes of fruits and vegetables. I've been eating too many carbs. Also, I don't like stepping out on the street and having men make comments about my body. I seriously get murder-y feelings.

And I'm so worried about so many things. What if the Dutch government doesn't approve my visa? What if I never find a freelance job? What if Josh resents me because I don't make a lot of money right now?

Shitty things like that.

I prayed today. About finding a more lucrative job. And about Slugs. Slugs is going to a third location now. The first one, in Canada, didn't work out because she became aggressive towards another dog. It was such a let-down because we had driven all the way there with her, said tearful goodbyes, but felt good about leaving her in the care of the person. Then Slugs was placed with a woman who is basically a Corgi expert. But we just found out that again Slugs has shown aggressive behavior towards one of her dogs. We don't doubt that she'll find another family to live with who will care for her, but I personally feel guilty. And part of me wishes I could just be there to take her. And not in stupid New York.

So there's that.

The career stuff is so frustrating. I need to try harder though. I get discouraged easily. I made an online portfolio for my illustrations, but it's not quite finished. Once it is, I'm going to send it to different art/creative directors. We'll see what happens after that.

Josh and I have been thinking about wedding stuff. His mom mentioned we should probably book a venue for the reception soon (it will be sometime in Autumn 2014). We've begun looking, and I've found it puts pressure on me even more to try to make more money so that I can have the wedding that I want. I don't want to spend a lot on a dress -- like less than $500 -- but venues, food, and alcohol costs will add up. Like, what do I have to do? Sell my used underwear  to weirdos on Craigslist?! I've considered it. HOW'S THAT FOR VULNERABILITY? (Don't worry, loved ones, I won't seriously do it).

Ok, I think I'm done. I cried a little bit. I hope I can fall asleep easily tonight instead of staying up worrying. I hope these next few weeks will go by quickly.

5 comments :

Josh said...

I'll sell my underwear with you if that's what we gotta do (we don't). But I'm guessing you'll have more buyers.

Marisa said...

I used to get jealous of girls with blogs who had perfect lives. But they don't have perfect lives, they know what they blog is being put out into the world and they post accordingly. Also, I get a bit overwhelmed by blogs that share too much.

I'm sorry your experience in New York isn't going so well. I've always felt it was a very "aggressive" city and I prefer spending time in Philly since I have the luxury of being directly between the two. I'm also sorry about your pup. It must feel awful having her situation keep changing and feeling like you can't help.

Money is always something you can stress about but I suggest trying not to dwell on it too much. Do what you can do now with fixing up your portfolio. You will find out about the visa soon enough and you will see what your job prospects are when you get to the Netherlands.

There are tons of ways to have a beautiful, fun wedding that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. In fact, I'm sure there are a lot of beautifully photographed blogs on the subject. ;)

Maryann said...

Love you, miss you. I can't wait to see/hear about your adventures in the Netherlands. I too will send up a prayer for Slugs that she gets placed with a loving family who deserves her awesomeness.

Lana said...

Loved the truth in this, girl. I sometimes had similar feelings when I lived in Paris. You must be so excited about Netherlands... Europe is the best, even if I am biased. Can't wait to see you round these parts too!

Moorea Seal said...

UGH, i left a big huge comment and it deleted it. LAME. Let's drink wine and chat this week over skype because I love you to bits.
xo Moorea