A Bit of a Rant

I find it interesting that men AND women are attacking the new HBO show "Girls" --which is written and directed by a young woman, and about young women -- after only one episode. Why is this show getting picked apart by uppity bloggers when there are other TV shows that have no female presence/intellectual heart whatsoever? I think it's because girls (and "Girls") are easy to pick on. We have to find something wrong with a woman, whether she's too skinny, not skinny enough, has the wrong family, relates to men in the wrong way (because God knows they've always treated us correctly), isn't perfect, is too perfect... the list could go on.

I'm not meaning to be a defenseless, boo-hoo feminist here. I just think that these stupid internet tirades in general need to stop (which may be something I'm doing right now, but whatever) ... Like Lena Dunham, the creator of "Girls," I am a writer myself, and have always dreamed about writing something of relevance about the modern female, be it a TV show, a movie, a play, or a book... So with all this negativity towards what Dunham is doing, how am I supposed to feel? If I put my voice out there, will I get unfairly criticized and snarked at as well? Let a female express herself without being shot down and torn apart.

Yay: Refinery29 wrote a nice little in-defense-of piece.

PS: The show is great. I watched the first episode, and loved it.

Dear Jake,

I don't mean to pry into your personal life, but WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Taylor Swift? Really? You can do SO much better. And I'm not going to say, "you can have me!" because I'm not that deranged... cough-cough.... A lot of other girls feel the same way. You are very important to us. We want you to find someone just as amazing as you are and just as amazing as we are (that's why we approved of Kirsten Dunst, because she could, like, totally be our BFF). But Taylor. Swift. She looks like she's about as smart as a stapler. And she used to date a werewolf. She also can't open her eyes all the way... anyone else out there think she looks like she's squinting all the time? Yes, her songs are catchy and cute. But that's about it. Get a clue, Jake.

K, luv ya, byeeeeeeeee.

Thoughts on being 24

Freshman year.................................................................. and post-college.

Today is the first day of school at the college I graduated from. Also known as my current place of employment. I've been at SPU for six years now, and that really blows my mind. On the one hand I feel like it was ages and ages ago that I came up here with my parents and my suitcases and moved into Emerson Hall, feeling scared, alone, sad. I feel like such a different person now. Completely different. Sort of. A little less lonely. A little more of a grown-up.

And I also feel like it was just yesterday.... that not many days have passed in between. Skateboarding by the canal was a minute ago. Traveling through Europe happened in a snap. Falling in and out of love, a blur. And now I'm 24--not 18-- and I have no idea what the next six years will hold, and who knows how fast they will go by before my eyes. I'll probably fall in love again... I'll hopefully do a little more traveling, maybe to Nepal or Latin America. Who knows!

I don't know what I'm trying to say with all of this. I usually don't write reflectively anymore. But I felt an urge to, like this is some big milestone that I have to acknowledge. When really, it's just life going on and going by, as always. Right now I'm in this season where I don't really know if what I am doing is what I'm supposed to be doing; am I wasting my time here on earth working in an office, dreaming of some other career? Or is this the way it's supposed to be? Paying my dues in a mediocre job, and sometimes feeling like a very mediocre human being.

Before you think I'm a complete Debbie Downer, I'll say that my life outside of my job is very lovely, and I'm very VERY happy to be able to express my extraordinary-ness through this blog. And I was just chatting with my friend Moorea about how blessed I feel to have truly great friends in my life.

I sense that the big man upstairs is subtly encouraging me, pointing me in the right direction ever-so slightly, and cultivating my passions. I'm realizing that I have a passion for gay rights (civil liberties, what-WHAT!), and desperately want to get involved in something in the city. I'm realizing that I really enjoy painting and need to make time to cultivate that practice. And, I think most importantly, I'm desperately wanting to live beautifully: creating, loving, enjoying. That's what this life is about. It's not about sitting around dully, hating others for stupid reasons, and punishing yourself because you think you're a bad person. You deserve everything!

Thanks, if you read all of this. I came out of my writing shell for a hot minute, and I feel better now.

I'm sick of the daily grind...

pronto.

Wish I was here

Oh, what fun to be awake and at work after only four hours of sleep, she said with a hint of bitterness in her tone.

But that's the price you have to pay in order to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at midnight in a theater full of obnoxious teenagers who forgot to take their Ritalin.

...

In all seriousness, it was a wonderful movie. Obviously.

The Most Evil Man to Have Ever Lived

His name is David Burke.
Sure, he looks harmless, but he actually has a very black heart.
And yes, he is a renowned chef with a genial face, but do not be deceived, I tell you!

This lowly degenerate has created something that could destroy all of humanity: Flavor Spray.


"Well, that sounds and looks intriguing, Allie, and not evil in any sense!" you might be saying in response.
Oh, you naive fool. Let me enlighten you on the subject of Flavor Spray:
The idea behind it is that you can eat the healthy food you're supposed to be eating "without missing the food you enjoy the most!" (taken from the Flavor Spray website).
I'm sure you're still thinking, "well, that really doesn't sound all that bad..."
However, let me finish: after eliminating toppings, gravies, dressings, and sauces, Flavor Spray replaces the flavor that diets forbid. Simply spray Flavor Spray and your craving for flavor will be satisfied. Supposedly.
Here is a list of some of the creepiest flavor sprays he's created in his evil lair:
-Parmesan Cheese
-Pesto
-Ranch
-Smoked Bacon
-Marshmallow
-Memphis BBQ
-Banana Split
-Birthday Cake
-Rootbeer Float
-Raspberry Bubblegum
-Cheesecake
He even has flavor sprays for fruits, so you don't have to eat an actual handful of fresh blueberries, you can just buy some blueberry flavor spray!
Are you freaked out yet?
So lets say you are on a diet and your birthday rolls around. Happy Birthday! But wait! You can't eat birthday cake because of that pesky diet you're on. Not to worry. All you have to do is spray some Birthday Cake Flavor Spray on a carrot stick, and its just like savoring a slice of wonderful cake.
Wow. OH. MY. GOD. Do you see how evil this is? It's totally artificial reality. Our reality is being destroyed. We can't put our vanity aside and enjoy the pleasures of life anymore, like the occasional rootbeer float on hot summer's day. No we must be deprived of such harmful things. But instead you can have this fake stuff that has characteristics of the real stuff. It is so ridiculous.
Please, everyone. Boycott David Burke before we are all forced to eat bran flakes that are filet mignon flavored.
Down with Flavor Spray!

Feminist Rant Monday

WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY CONTAINS STRONG GENDER-BASHING CONTENT THAT COULD LEAD TO THE AUTHOR BEING LABELED A MAN-HATER. BUT SHE IS ACTUALLY NOT. SHE REALLY LIKES MEN. A LOT. ESPECIALLY ONES THAT RESEMBLE JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

Dear Staight Men,

I don't get it. Why is your gender supposed to be the one that "courts"? Why do YOU have to initiate (in general) dates, relationships, kisses, marriages? That is probably the most idiotic convention I've ever heard of.

Because:

1) You are clueless... You rarely know a good thing when you see it,

2) You are lazy... You often do not put any effort into wooing a lovely lady,

and 3) You are little boys... You rarely have the balls to say, "hey, you are a quality person and I am genuinely attracted to you. Lets grab a cup of coffee." It's not that hard to do, you know. If I can do it, you can do it. Life is full of rejection, Men. 9 times out of 10, you'll probably get rejected. But that's the fun of romance. It's RISKY.

And I would do it, if I could. I would totally give you my number. But apparently, as a woman, I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to sit back and wait for you to MAN UP, patiently, like a docile little lamb. If I did try to initiate something, I have been told that you would be taken aback by such "outright boldness". It takes away your sense of masculinity if the female makes the first move (Note: the author just threw up in her mouth a little bit). I don't see what would be wrong with that; after all, some of you have too much sense of your own masculinity. Yes, I'm saying I want to de-masculine-ize you, men of the world. Burn me at the gender-stake, why don't you!
"Men love the chase," I have been told. And so, Men, why do you not chase? Chase, dammit! I am throwing myself at you, in a sense. Not in a direct way, because that would belittle you and it would make me seem like an eager slut. I'm just saying that I'm trying to send you as many positive signals as I can, without actually telling you what I want: And what I want from you is to ask me out. Ask me, and I will say yes.

Sigh. For those of you who haven't figured this out already, this blog is aimed at a specific person. Who will never read this, I am assuming. But if you do read this... I'm sorry, especially if my assumption that you are too shy/busy/clueless to ask me out is incorrect. If you are uninterested in my hotness, just let me down gently.